Just remember, maybe the relationship did not last the test of time as you hoped, but in the same way, neither will the pain, suggests relationship expert Shahzeen Shivdasani.
Breakups. The only way to describe it? A one-way ticket to hell.
Breakups consume you with pain.
The void of playing the role of a partner is so big that at times it seems like no matter how much you try to fill that void, it’s never going to go away.
Sometimes when you are going through grief your practical thinking goes out the window.
While trying to heal you also do things that don’t help with your healing because let’s face it, you’re lost.
Here are 9 things to avoid after a breakup so that you can see glimpses of light at the end of that one-way ticket:
1. Do not contact your ex
Everyone will tell you to do this, but the truth is, it’s the hardest thing to do.
Breakups are like coming off a drug. You are going to suffer intense withdrawals.
You know that once you have a little bit of contact, you will feel better and you probably will.
When people end their relationships, the hardest part is having the person yanked out of their life.
Partners don’t only play the role of a significant other. They also play the role of your support system.
Take your time with this one. Do it when you’re ready.
Just know this, to truly move on, eventually, this has to be done. This is the only way to make space for someone new.
2. Get off social media
While we all love social media, after a breakup, it may not be the best for your mental health.
Compulsively stalking your ex is going to get you nowhere. You are going to obsess about things you see and who they are with.
You’re going to try to make sense of posts and stories and come to a conclusion that may not be true.
This is a vicious anxiety-driven cycle that is not good for you.
If you are someone that knows that you will do this, stay off social media for a while. Pick your mental peace over this!
3. Don’t keep tabs on their life
Now you can get off social media, but then you start asking your common friends for details on their life. This is the same thing.
You need to tell yourself that during this process ‘What you don’t know, won’t hurt you’.
Everyone processes grief in a different way. They might be doing things at this time that they are not particularly proud of.
Plus, knowing things is just going to make you have a million questions about it and all roads will lead back to anxiety.
Change the focus. Instead of focusing on their life, how can you focus on yours?
4. Do not let others dictate how long this should take
No one can dictate how long you are allowed to grieve.
If you are still upset months later or even years later, you are allowed to be. This was your life that changed course.
Those moments you cry yourself to sleep because the pain is too much to bear are moments YOU go through. Let it take its course.
Just remember, maybe the relationship did not last the test of time as you hoped, but in the same way, neither will the pain. The thing about time, is that it takes time.
5. Don’t focus on ‘the lesson’
We always look for a lesson.
We do this because if we can’t find one then how do we process why this happened?
How do we ensure it doesn’t happen again? If you can’t find the lesson, let it be.
Sometimes things happen because the course wasn’t right for you.
Perhaps the universe saw that this wasn’t the best path for your ultimate happiness and changed gears for you.
6. Don’t compare yourself to others
It’s easy to look around and compare yourself to others and how everything worked out for them, but not you.
You ask yourself repeatedly, ‘Why did this happen to me?’.
Try a new mantra that focuses on acceptance.
‘It happened because it was meant to happen to me. I don’t know the reason, but it’ll teach me more about my strength and lead me to where I need to be’.
Also, keep in mind that everything you see in other people’s relationships, you are seeing from the outside.
You do not know anything about the struggles their bond might be facing.
7. Take a break from the usual spots
If you want to create a new life, try to avoid getting triggered by the old one.
If you know your ex is going to be somewhere, don’t go there.
You need to put yourself first and you need to make that a priority. Catch up with old friends and check out different places.
8. Don’t avoid talking about it or addressing it
Yes, every person is allowed that one month where they talk obsessively to their friends.
But post that, what do you do? You definitely don’t feel better in a month.
Therapy is key if you find that your brain is overtly fogged with questions.
If you need to obsess over it more, that’s fine and completely normal.
Try to find yourself a good therapist and talk to them.
During the moments your mind is still in a fog post-therapy, try watching podcasts on breakups or reading about them.
You’ll be surprised how you find solace in knowing you’re not alone with the emotions you are facing.
9. Rebounds
You can’t fill the void with someone else.
You can try, but trust me, you won’t succeed. If a temporary high is what you seek, go ahead.
However, the only person that can fill that void is you.
I would strongly recommend spending time getting to know yourself as a single person.
Make time for the things that make you happy and set your soul on fire.
Make a list of things you are sitting on (a hobby, a passion) and try new things.
You will initially have to force yourself to get out of the house and do it.
Once you feel that spark with yourself, you’ll keep going back.
Remember, the things you do for yourself are never temporary highs.
They are things that bring you happiness from within. When you keep doing those things, you start healing and you will realise that the ticket out of hell was always in your pocket.
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