7 disturbing, bitter relationship truths lovers fail to accept. Here’s why you can’t ignore them

We tend to believe that our relationship is different from others, but that’s probably not true. It takes effort to maintain such ties, and things aren’t always going to be hunky dory with your partner.

Here, we point out some things that are true but – at the same time – hard to accept. It’s important that you read and understand them.

Many a time we’re attracted to those who drive us over the edge

“Some relationships can cause more harm than good. It’s important to realise when your partner is pulling you down and making you feel guilty for expressing yourself. A very common way this is done is through ‘gaslighting’ – a psychological technique employed by a partner to make you doubt your memory, perception and sanity,” says Divya Dureja, Delhi-based counseling psychologist and queer poet activist.

Is there a right one?

It is very important to realise that your heart can mend over time and you have the innate strength to move on. Settling for someone believing they are ‘the one’ and ignoring signs of a problem could make things hard for you. “You’d be surprised to learn how naturally the same feelings of love, those warm vibrations and oneness can be found with other people too, if you decide to courageously move on from ‘the one’ if things have become sour and irreparable,” says Dureja.

“Happy posts are all we get to see on social media. And we think that is real. It’s not. Real is what happens between two happy posts,” says Ahmedabad-based Raksha Bharadia, founder of Bonobology, a dating website for urban Indian couples.

You’re less likely to break up if you have a pet

Psychologists have termed your joint bank account, your house and pets as ‘material constraints’. Apart from co-ownership, separating yourself from a relationship becomes difficult when it’s more than just the two of you involved. So you need to always plan and prepare yourself for everything that might happen if things don’t work out. “Pets, like kids, defuse tension. Every relationship will have its stressors. At times all we need is de-stressing,” opines Bharadia.

Sometimes passion is at its peak, sometimes not so much

People can have very high expectations from romance, and this could put you at odds with your partner. Partly to blame for this stream of thought is Bollywood and Hollywood, where epic love stories are thrown onto the audience every Friday.

This is why it is imperative that one is sexually educated and reasonable regarding the kind of expectations you would want from your relationship. “Familiarity breeds comfort, and that may sometimes extend to laziness. What is important in a relationship is to realise that the onus of keeping the spark and passion alive falls on all the partners in a relationship. There are various extraneous factors that could be causing distress and, thereby, pulling down the person’s morale,” says Dureja.

“Passion and love can be displayed by being there for your partner emotionally and hearing them out – helping them work through their issues. It is also important to realise that there are two forms of passions – harmonious passion and obsessive passion. “It is harmonious passion that sustains a person and a relationship in the long run,” says Dureja.

Bad timing

“More than anything, keeping a relationship alive depends on not doing things on impulse. So, be tolerant with your partner,” advises Bharadia.

Timing is very important in a relationship. On many occasions, friction is caused when the man wants to further his professional career and the woman wants to manage both her work and marriage at the same time.

Even relationship experts don’t have it easy

Book shops contain the ‘best’ information on relationships and marriages, and there are many relationship counselors out there too, but even after exploring all these avenues you might end up having issues with your partner. So, even if you are someone who gives advice on relationships, it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t face issues in your own marriage or with your partner. Experts are humans like us, and they also go through problems like any other couple.

Different values can make relationships hard to handle

One must not confuse values with interests – they are different entities. If you like horror movies and your partner doesn’t, you can always watch them with a friend! However, if you want your partner to stay at home and take care of the household while you further your career, it could pose a problem. “It is important to communicate well with your partner, express the values you hold dear and understand the degree to which they hold those values. There is always a scope for value systems to grow and adapt, but a good congruence of value systems from the start often leads to a healthy relationship,” advises Dureja.

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