Lamar Odom Confesses He Wished He Could’ve Been ‘More Of A Man’ For Khloe Kardashian

While reflecting on his troubled marriage with Khloe Kardashian and how he put her through hell with his infidelity and drug use, Lamar Odom admitted that he ‘regrets’ how he treated his ex-wife.

“I wish I could have been more of a man,” Lamar Odom, 39, said to PEOPLE when speaking about his four-year marriage to Khloe Kardashian, 34. The NBA champion admitted that he cheated on the Keeping Up with the Kardashians star and that he was addicted to cocaine while he was with KoKo. It’s been five years since they split (they finalized their divorce in 2016) and Lamar admits he still regrets how it all came crashing down. “It still bothers me to this day. But regret is something we have to learn to live with.”

“For a while, being with her was bliss and I was the happiest I’ve ever been,” the former Los Angeles Lakers star writes in his new memoir, Darkness To Light (which was exclusively excerpted in PEOPLE.) “We were one of the most famous couples in Hollywood, and we made more money together than we had individually. … At the start of our marriage, I was faithful to her. I could not handle the lethal cocktail of the spotlight, addiction, a diminishing career, and infidelity. Oh, did I mention the paranoia, anxiety, depression. … I couldn’t keep my d*ck in my pants or the coke out of my nose. Drug addicts are incredibly skilled at hiding their habit. I’d get defensive, and Khloé would just drop it.”

Lamar’s drug addiction nearly cost him his life in 2015, when he was hospitalized following an overdose at a Nevada brothel. Lamar, who would tell Kevin Hart in 2018 that he suffered 12 strokes and six heart attacks when the overdose happened, spent four days in a coma. When he finally regained consciousness, one of the first things he saw was his ex-wife by his side. “I remember waking up and [Khloe] showing me pictures of my mother,” Lamar told PEOPLE. His mother, the publication noted, died of cancer when he was just 12. “I was surprised on how quick she was to show her devotion to me.”

Will Lamar get a second chance at love with Khloe? In the wake of her split from Tristan Thompson, Lamar was “thinking about her and desperately want[ed] to take care of her,” a source close to LO told EXCLUSIVELY. He “picked up the phone 100 times thinking about calling her, and he’s put the word out through friends that he’s there for her whenever and wherever she needs.”

Lamar Odom’s memoir, Darkness To Light, is due out on May 28.

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