Deborah James says her children 'will be okay' when she dies
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Deborah James, 40, has admitted she’s “scared about what might happen” when she dies, as she has started to receive end of life care for her bowel cancer. The BBC host has been flooded with support since she announced she might not have long left.
She appeared in the final episode of her podcast You, Me and the Big C on Tuesday, and spoke to her producer Mike “one last time”.
“I’m scared about what might happen but it is what it is, I’ve had five years to prepare but you never really prepare – you always want more,” said Deborah.
“My health hasn’t been good and I could see it coming and it’s just knowing that it’s going to happen. I’m really scared… I’m petrified.”
She continued: “I can’t make a deal with the devil anymore unfortunately.
“I just feel gutted not to have more life, because you know me, I love life so much.
“But I do hope that all of our stories and the podcast and everything we’ve shared over the past few years has saved lives.”
Appearing on BBC Breakfast earlier this week, the mum-of-two was emotional as she discussed how it felt to know she wouldn’t see her children grow up.
She shares Hugo, 14, and Eloise, 12, with husband Sebastien Bowen.
“You know I always said to you, I don’t want to leave a stone unturned, I don’t think there is a stone we haven’t tried to turn in order to make my liver work again, in order to get my body functioning but unfortunately, I’m exhausted, I’m absolutely exhausted,” Deborah said.
“I’m at the point where I know I can’t really do anything more.”
She continued: “We’ve had some really hard conversations in the last week.
“You think, ‘Gosh how can anybody have those conversations,’ and then you find yourself in the middle of them.
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“People are very nice but you’re almost talking about your own death and I’ve had five years to prepare for my death.”
She added: “I know that my kids are going to be more than looked after and surrounded by love.
“You always want to know as a mother your kids are going to be OK.
“My kids are going to be fine, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to miss every chance I could have had with them.”
Deborah explained she is too weak to move her legs, and her loved ones must carry her everywhere, including to the toilet.
She has decided she would like to live out her last days at her parent’s home, with her loved ones.
“What I desire is simple things which is holding my husband’s hand, curling up and watching movies with my daughter, telling them both that I love them,” she said.
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